In Praise of Mary and How There's No Time to Hurry: Everyday Magic, Day 1,125

Mary in front of her home, photobombing the peonies one spring day in the pandemic

When our friend Mary died less than a week ago, her husband Andy shared that her mantra for the summer was "no time to hurry." I cannot stop thinking of this or about Mary, a human of great grace, good humor, shining presence, and easy conversation.

Time can feel incomprehensible, especially when it comes to death. Here was Mary, chatting amiably with me earlier this summer at one of the downtown protests. There was Mary walking down the steps from her porch, newspaper in hand and wide smile on her face because we hadn't had a chance to talk in a while. Or she's at a coffee shop sometime in the 90s, sussing out what writing she most wanted to do while I did the same over a relatively new invention in these parts called a latte.

Although I didn't see Mary regularly and we weren't on each other's meet-for-a-walk circuit (although we talked often about how we should do that), we go way back to a women's freelance writing group about 30-something years ago. We would meet to swap leads, comfort each other over horrid editors or kill fees on pieces we poured our hearts into, and muse about how to fit in the poetry, short stories, and novels some of us wanted so much to write. Through this group, I got an assignment to write a 100-page book for tweens on Genghis Khan and the Mongols' invasion of many lands; after my editors canceled my contract, it was Mary who gave me not just consolation, but a bigger perspective.

After wandering past Mary during the pandemic moment

Mary was good at aiming people, with her light touch and light-filled laughter, toward a bigger picture. She was so unabashedly herself, a peaceful and artful presence, that I always felt easier after running into her at the Merc or on her front porch when I came into town to walk my dog Shay, then my dog Moxie. She was good with dogs, people, flowers, and especially the love of her life, Andy.

When she came down with a bad case of breast cancer in 2018, we talked every so often about her treatment, the long and impossible-to-know-in-advance hairpin turns ahead, and also the sadness of her losing her most amazing hair (it's pulled back in these photos, but she possessed astonishing corkscrew curls of brown and eventually many shades of gray).

She occasionally brought up her fear of recurrence and, based on nothing but my hope for Mary, myself, and other breast cancer survivors I love, I told her she would be fine. But what did I know? It was a recurrence-related infection that led to her gone-so-fast death. There was no time to hurry, and it gives me solace to know she died listening to cicadas, katydids, and "Peace Train" with with her beloved Andy and other close ones.

In the hour of her dying, I dreamt of Mary, who I had wanted to visit a few days earlier when friends and family were invited to come say goodbye. I was on the plane at the time and couldn't be there, but lucky for me, I got to meet her in a dream. I don't remember what we talked about, only that she smiled in her dazzling Mary way, exhaled and dropped her shoulders, and I was so glad to be with her.

Behind me were so many people also waiting to visit with her, but no one was impatient or urging me to finish talking with her. Instead, they were laughing and telling stories, passing around snacks and making the most of their time together as F.O.M (Friends of Mary). So I took my time telling her how grateful I was to know her.

In the days since, I've been thinking about living "no time to hurry" more moment to moment, like today when I was pushing myself quickly out the door, but stopped to fill two empty ice cube trays. "Why am I in a rush?" I asked myself, then slowed my breath while tilting one tray, then another, under the water spigot to fill each square.

Like all in the F.O.M. club, I will miss Mary, and I will send deep wishes for ways through to Andy and others who are closest to this loss. But I will try to remember how there really is no time to hurry when there's so much else waiting for us.