Nine Years After Dad Died: Everyday Magic, Day 485

Sitting in my friend’s living room this morning while her husband slept in a hospital bed beside us, we talked about the hospice services they’re using and about when people close to us died. She told me the dates of her parents’ deaths, both in 1999, and I told her the date of my father’s death which, as I remembered it, was today: January 18, 2003.

As I went through my day – teaching yoga, buying bananas at the store, getting my flu shot, mailing some packages – this anniversary stood in the background. My father died a relatively young man at only 63 after a very short (only four months between diagnosis and death) immersion in pancreatic cancer. I was in the middle of my own cancer treatment at the time, and actually had just had major surgery a few weeks before he died, but when Ken and I walked into his house where he had been in a coma for 10 days, it was clear he was waiting for me. He died 15 minutes after we arrived.

While I wrote of the death in more detail in my memoir, the fallout from his life and death continues to reveal itself. As time passed, I learn more about him and who I am because of him. Nine years later, I don’t exactly miss my father, but I do think of him — with affection (which was a big surprise after our tumultuous relationship all my life). If he were alive today, he would despise what’s happening politically but probably support Romney and call me an idealist for supporting Obama. He would be livid about the Wall Street bailouts¬† since he was a self-made man, but he would have supported all the wars that happened in the last decade, probably advocating for more, not less. Beyond that, I can’t predict what he would be like at age 73 because his dying changed him so much, and so much for the better (although that was obviously short-lived).

What I do know from my experience and the experiences of my friends who have lost parents is that we carry our moms and dads in our hip pockets our whole lives (even back when they carried us), some fire from their personality, biology, karma, bad and good luck and choices, missteps and inspiring leaps tucked into some part of us no matter where we go and what we do. The relationship continues to unfold, and their voices continue to inform, question, argue and support.

Nine years ago from tomorrow, my father was buried in a steep grave in a hilly cemetery in western Pennsylvania, but his life and death travel with me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The Impossible & Miraculous: Remembering Dad: Everyday Magic, Days 183-184

I woke up thinking about how between mid-January and mid-February, it sure feels like the veil between life and death is thinner. No surprise then that many of the deaths of my loved ones happened during this time. Then it occurred to me that today — January 18 — is the 8th anniversary of my father’s death.

My dad — Hugh Melvyn Goldberg, but everyone called him Mel — was an impossibly difficult person to know, let alone be related to, so much so that I’m sure my siblings would say “impossibly difficult” is an understatement. We eventually understood that he had Asperger’s syndrome, a mishmash collection of behaviors on the functional edge of the autism spectrum. He couldn’t read social cues to save his life, and so, operating like someone blind-folded walking through new territory, he would easily crash into the metaphoric furniture and ill-placed people of life. No wonder that because of his general disposition, fierce intelligence and silver-quick mind, and crazy family dynamics and time/place (Brooklyn, 1939) he was born into, he became an expert in the strong offense.

A mostly successful businessman, he knew how to control situations, workplaces and, to whatever extent he could, people he was in charge of, and that’s where — as you might expect — his fathering went all to hell. It’s a messy story punctuated by physical abuse that was eventually funneled into verbal abuse, and one I’ve already filled journals over and therapy sessions with for decades.

It’s also a story of being his first child, the one born on his birthday, and as I grew up, sometimes dazzled by how smart, articulate, innovative, and daring he was when it came to making a living. He devoured books and harbored quiet ambitions to one day write a mystery. When I was very little, he would drive through the streets of Brooklyn, windows open on spring nights, and scream out, “Calling all dogs! Calling all cats!” to make me laugh. He also developed pastry-shop radar, particularly for the well-made eclair, and his beverage of choice was ice water.

When my father was diagnosed with late stage pancreatic cancer on 9/11/02, my first thought — always trying to look on the bright side of things — was “no new injuries.” Although we had become distant and polite over the years, both of us were a little wary of the other: me of him because of his explosive nature, and him of me because I made a life so different and far away. In fact, I thought I had crafted a sense of self, community and work that was the opposite of him.

When he went into a coma, he wasn’t supposed to live more than a day or two, but he held out for ten days. I wasn’t surprised. I would have flown to be with him immediately but having just had cancer-related surgery myself, my doctor grounded me until she said, “Go!” and I did. Turns out that despite all else about his life, my life, how we did and didn’t relate, he waited for me. My siblings already largely there along with other family, Dad didn’t finally let go until 15 minutes after I walked in the door. At the moment he died, I had my hand on his right knee, feeling the pulse until there wasn’t one.

Being my father’s daughter was impossible at times, yet my father, along with my mother, were the ones who gave me life. The way my father died was a different kind of birthday for me: knowing that despite all, he would wait for me to be beside him when he died turned out to be the great spiritual gift of my life. In that moment, I realized how much he loved me, and the tightly-wound knot in me started to unfurl. He left me with the gift of being able to pretty much completely forgive him, forgive myself, and embrace being his daughter despite and because of who we are beneath whatever we thought.

Pictures: Dad, on right, with his older brother sometime in the 1940s in Brooklyn; Dad making the blessing on the challah at our wedding (and behind me, Arden Booth, who also shared our Dec. 4th birthday); Dad with Forest.